Torn

I have been absent from here because I have been finding it very difficult to share all that has been going on in our lives. My mind is constantly filled with scenarios of how the next few days/months/years will play out with our new life in dealing with the cancer. I can't seem to get past the constant swirling thoughts in my few moments alone to get written what we have been doing in school and in life.

When I begin thinking about how to take care of Mom when she's 800+ miles away, I just can't seem to figure out what to do about it. My sister has been doing a phenomenal job of taking care of her as she goes through the chemotherapy treatments. The question that plagues both of our minds is 'where do we go from here?' and I feel completely inadequate to answer that question. I haven't been present for the doctor appointments, I don't have the opportunity to ask any questions of them and I am finding that very frustrating. I can't get my mind to process a solution when I don't have the data. That is just my engineering brain at work.

You see, I have been helping my cousin as she has gone through breast cancer at the same time my mom has been dealing with bladder cancer. The difference is that my cousin is here in town and has allowed me to be there for her doctor appointments. I have had the opportunity to ask questions of the doctors, get the facts, get the plan and help her to process and move through the diagnosis, surgery, chemo and soon the reconstruction. She has appreciated my help and wanted my help. Now, I am not saying this has been an easy process. It has been hard in fact. I have given of my time, my energy (both physical and mental) and neglected other things that probably shouldn't have been neglected. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat. No one should have to go through this alone, and I am honored that she asked me to go through this journey with her.

On the other hand, in my mom's case, she was at home for the first part and with my sister now. Her doctor in St. Louis was more than happy to discuss anything and everything with me over the phone. I was able to ask as many questions as I had and she was patient and answered all of them. I have learned all I know about bladder cancer and its treatment from the internet. I guess the most important facts being that is was caused by her decades of smoking and that it is one of the most recurring cancers.

So what do we do now? That is the question that plagues me.

Mom is still smoking. She doesn't truly believe that is what caused her cancer. She is not taking care of her basic needs. She isn't being responsible. She doesn't ask the doctors questions, she doesn't want to know. She doesn't interact with me and my family when she is here with us. She isn't eating well. She refuses to take anti-depressants to get through this time.

How can we send her home to live alone when this is how she is behaving?

If we don't send her home, where will she go?

How do we pay for her to live?


In Matthew 6:25-34, we are told not to worry about anything that God will take provide for our needs. I do find myself worrying about this situation way too often. When I realize I am worrying, I pray. I feel in a lot of ways that if we let Mom go home alone, it would be similar to sending a young child out to live on their own. How would you not worry about that?

'Tis the Season

Well, it is that time of year again. It always amazes me how much earlier the Christmas stuff comes out every year. I suppose in a few more years, we can just leave all of our Christmas decorations out because it will be the season again in January...nah, I don't think our HOA would approve!

We received an offer through our homeschool group for a gift bag from the local mall. It contained a free carousel ride, a $10 mall gift card, a $10 gift card to Picture People, a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich (who could pass that up?!) and a free 5 x 7 with Santa. Of course we were one of the crazy families there at 10 am to get a gift bag! It was great walking around and seeing several other homeschool families out at the mall. While we were there, we got our annual picture with Santa.

I pretty much let the kids dress themselves, they are beyond the age where I can convince them to dress cute for Santa pictures. At least they were color coordinated! Only in the South will you find kids in sandals in Santa pictures! I think it was in the 80s that day!

I am still behind on all of my preparations and will most likely not be joining the Black Friday crowds since I have no idea what I will buy for anyone, but I did complete the Santa picture a week and a half before Thanksgiving!

Our Little Ballerina

Our little ballerina had a mini-recital to show the parents what they have been learning since August. Princess TD absolutely loves ballet and wonders almost daily about how long it will be until she can dance pointe. I recorded it on my camera to share with family and immediately she asked me to post it on Facebook. I, of course, asked if I could post it on the blog instead. She agreed, so here it is.

It is not the best resolution. Next time I will try the higher resolution and see if that comes out better.

Blessed

Hmm...I find it very interesting that Google Reader has recommended my own blog as one I should follow. I don't know if that happens to everyone, but I thought maybe it was a not so subtle hint that I do indeed have a blog and that I should be updating it more often!

I also learned I have 12 followers! Wow! I had no idea that many people still read my ramblings outside of family. So, for the dozen of you still reading, here's an update.

This summer has been crazy to say the least. I can sum it up in one word...cancer...not in our little immediate family, but in our extended family. Our summer has been filled with doctors appointments, surgeries and hospital visits. Grammie was diagnosed within the last month, and her second surgery is scheduled for September 23. Please keep her in your prayers as we move through this difficult transition in her life.

This summer (and spring too) we have had to call on some of our good friends to help us out during these (and a couple of other) crises. It has been such an awesome blessing to see all of those who jumped in to help us and even those who offered and weren't able to help due to their circumstances at the time. So often we all go through life without really realizing how many lives we touch and how many people are there willing to help if they just know of the need. Our family has been blessed beyond words with wonderful people who are praying for us and with us, or are just there for us when we need it.

Thank you to all of our sweet friends! Your calls, e-mails, handwritten notes (Thanks WE. Your note made my day!), shared scriptures (even if I didn't get to read it...=)), and texts have made this so much easier.

We are blessed!!!