Torn

I have been absent from here because I have been finding it very difficult to share all that has been going on in our lives. My mind is constantly filled with scenarios of how the next few days/months/years will play out with our new life in dealing with the cancer. I can't seem to get past the constant swirling thoughts in my few moments alone to get written what we have been doing in school and in life.

When I begin thinking about how to take care of Mom when she's 800+ miles away, I just can't seem to figure out what to do about it. My sister has been doing a phenomenal job of taking care of her as she goes through the chemotherapy treatments. The question that plagues both of our minds is 'where do we go from here?' and I feel completely inadequate to answer that question. I haven't been present for the doctor appointments, I don't have the opportunity to ask any questions of them and I am finding that very frustrating. I can't get my mind to process a solution when I don't have the data. That is just my engineering brain at work.

You see, I have been helping my cousin as she has gone through breast cancer at the same time my mom has been dealing with bladder cancer. The difference is that my cousin is here in town and has allowed me to be there for her doctor appointments. I have had the opportunity to ask questions of the doctors, get the facts, get the plan and help her to process and move through the diagnosis, surgery, chemo and soon the reconstruction. She has appreciated my help and wanted my help. Now, I am not saying this has been an easy process. It has been hard in fact. I have given of my time, my energy (both physical and mental) and neglected other things that probably shouldn't have been neglected. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat. No one should have to go through this alone, and I am honored that she asked me to go through this journey with her.

On the other hand, in my mom's case, she was at home for the first part and with my sister now. Her doctor in St. Louis was more than happy to discuss anything and everything with me over the phone. I was able to ask as many questions as I had and she was patient and answered all of them. I have learned all I know about bladder cancer and its treatment from the internet. I guess the most important facts being that is was caused by her decades of smoking and that it is one of the most recurring cancers.

So what do we do now? That is the question that plagues me.

Mom is still smoking. She doesn't truly believe that is what caused her cancer. She is not taking care of her basic needs. She isn't being responsible. She doesn't ask the doctors questions, she doesn't want to know. She doesn't interact with me and my family when she is here with us. She isn't eating well. She refuses to take anti-depressants to get through this time.

How can we send her home to live alone when this is how she is behaving?

If we don't send her home, where will she go?

How do we pay for her to live?


In Matthew 6:25-34, we are told not to worry about anything that God will take provide for our needs. I do find myself worrying about this situation way too often. When I realize I am worrying, I pray. I feel in a lot of ways that if we let Mom go home alone, it would be similar to sending a young child out to live on their own. How would you not worry about that?